I take requests

Had a bathtime conversation with my 6-year-old son this evening, in which he requested that I write a book that met the following criteria:

• 620,000 words
  
• includes giant dragonflies that turn into macaroni
  
• has a giant salami monster
  
• has oviraptors that fight military bomber jets (I asked if the jets went back in time to fight the oviraptors or the oviraptors went forward in time to fight the jets - he said they both time traveled and met halfway, so I guess this story takes place in the dark ages)
  
• something about robots
  
• has a scene when 100 people burp so loud it makes the bombs fall off the fighter jets and the oviraptors eat the bombs
  
• will be illustrated
  
• must include the word "patootie" at some point
  

It's a tall order but I may be able to come up with something.